


Lust for Life

by eringilbert



Category: Legion (TV)
Genre: Drug Addiction, Mental Illness, Origin Story, brief mentions of homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 10:50:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10852440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eringilbert/pseuds/eringilbert
Summary: A lust for life is defined as a strong desire to live a full and rich life, something that Lenora María Busker had always wanted but never gotten.





	Lust for Life

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, so this took a really long time for me to complete. I would like to personally thank Shadow Kink™ for their suggestions and encouragement while this fic was being made, even when I was in my depressive states. The characters I don't own are tagged. Those are the property of Marvel, Noah Hawley, and FX. 
> 
> I was drawn so much, as so many were, to Lenny. I had never seen a character like her before on television. I was in love, and that got me into thinking about her past. What did she do before Clockworks, before David, before the Shadow King took her over? After some digging, it turns out she was conceived as someone who never gave up hoping she would have a better life. That is the consistent theme in this fic; Lenny's lust for life.
> 
> So please, enjoy the fic. Give me your comments and critiques in the comments!

Lenora wasn't exactly raised in the most loving of environments.

Hell, if anything, occasional stays at her cancer-stricken grandmother's house while her parents were doing god knows what were probably the most positive of her life. Watching Granny, old and wrinkly and hooked to ten different defibrillators, just lie motionless on her dirty couch while HSN advertised some shitty product was certainly better than what happened at her house. Lenora and Granny never talked; in fact, she wasn't even sure if she could talk anymore. Even though Granny hated her presence, it was better than what was at home. She wasn't abused; she just wanted a family.

Lenora was ten years old when one of these stays occurred. Stacy (Lenora refused to call her "Mom" because she wasn't her mom, she was Dad's mistress that he just hopped onto after her real mom died) almost crashed the family Pontiac into some bushes outside of her elementary school when school got out. She rolled down the windows after she had parked, chewing what she called "special gum" that Lenora wasn't allowed to have.

(Which was a weird way of putting things. How come I can drink the beer with the blue label at dinner but i can't have a piece of gum, she thought. Weird)

"Hey sugar!" Stacy yelled loudly at Lenora. Although she was one of the coldest bitches she had ever met, she couldn't help but admire Stacy. She knew how to wrap men around her finger; a trait that Lenora has noticed is very useful to women. At least to women like Stacy.

"Hi, Stacy," Lenora yelled back as she walked to the car. "How are you?"

Stacy unlocked the car. "Just peachy, girlie! Just peachy."

They drove in silence for a little bit. That is, until Lenora asked where Stacy was taking her. Stacy didn't say a word, which meant that Lenora was going to Granny's yet again. Fantastic.

When they arrived to the creepy and half rotting hellhole that Granny called home, she automatically felt a sense of despair. She didn’t want to come here anymore. She deserved to be with Dad and Stacy, with her stepbrother Bernard. With her own god damn family, but they were too busy getting fucked up. 

She would never know what it felt like to have that.  
**  
It started happening when Lenora was 15. She was always known for having a temper. All Buskers were, which would explain why every time she would walk on the sidewalk, anyone else on it would quickly move out of the way. She always thought it was just common courtesy.

But this was different.

Oh God, so different.

It was after dinner. Stacy was washing the dishes, while her dad was out in the garage fixing his bike. Lenora didn't have a desk in her room, so she worked on her homework in the kitchen. An analysis on a poem by some broad named Sylvia Plath.

“In darkroom of your eye the moonly mind  
somersaults to counterfeit eclipse;  
bright angels black out over logic's land  
under shutter of their handicaps.

Commanding that corkscrew comet jet forth ink  
to pitch the white world down in swivelling flood,  
you overcast all order's noonday rank  
and turn god's radiant photograph to shade.

Steepling snake in that contrary light  
invades the dilate lens of genesis  
to print your flaming image in birth spot  
with characters no cockcrow can deface.

O maker of proud planet's negative,  
obscure the scalding sun till no clocks move.”

"What's that fancy shit you're reading, sugar?" Stacy asked, drying a soup bowl while hovering over Lenora's shoulder.

She sighed, replying "A poem for Mrs. Frost's class" with a monotone voice.

"Well, it looks like garbage," Stacy replied, muttering "elitist bullshit" immediately after. Lenora shouldn't even be in this class; it was English II Honors, where she probably should have been put in a regular class. The only reason she even applied for the class was to finally impress Dad and Stacy, to make them look away from their pipes and bottles for at least one second. To show them that, 'Hey! They have a daughter they need to pay attention to and take care of and find redeeming qualities about!' Obviously, that wasn't working.

Perhaps dealing drugs like Bernard wasn't that bad of an idea after all.

Lenora sighed, saying "It's not garbage. I actually really like it." It was true; she loved the poem. Something about it just spoke to her, as if Sylvia Plath predicted Lenora's existence during one of the psychotic breaks or whatever Sylvia frequently had that her teacher was talking about.

Stacy obviously didn't feel the same way. All she did after that was continue to mock the poem for its pretentiousness. Lenora couldn't understand why she was so insistent on it being complete garbage.

That could probably explain why she suddenly threw her book square at Stacy’s face.

She didn't know why she did it. She didn't know why, immediately afterwards, she began yelling “YOU NEVER LIKE ANYTHING I DO YOU ALWAYS ACT LIKE I DON’T FUCKING EXIST I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU” over and over again until Dad finally intervened.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?” he bellowed. At this point, Lenora and Stacy began physically fighting, with the younger girl attempting to wring her hands around her stepmother’s neck.

“SHE’S FUCKING INSANE, NOAH!” Stacy yelled back, “I TOLD YOU SHE WAS GOING TO HAVE ISSUES!”

At this, Dad yanked Lenora off of Stacy and began dragging her across the floor. Lenora was struggling with all her might, kicking and screaming until Dad opened the hallway closet door and practically threw her inside. There she sat, banging the door until her hands bled and yelling until her voice gave out. Then, emptiness.

At first, she was scared when Stacy finally let her out of the closet. Apparently she was in there for four hours. Lenora explained to her that she didn't remember anything that happened, all while Stacy wrote down everything she said. As she laid in her bed later that night, she thought she heard Dad and Stacy arguing. 

“She’s just a little shithead, Stacy!”

“No! This has never happened before, Noah! She needs help now.”

“You know we can't do that! All those pricks are gonna do is drug her up until she's cross eyed.”

“Oh wow, look who’s talking. Fine then! You know her best, I guess! Leave me the FUCK out of it!”

The next morning, Lenora found her dad drinking at the table. He said that Stacy won't be coming back home anymore.  
**  
Lenora had never been in love.

Actually, scratch that. She had never developed romantic feelings for someone. Besides, what good was love, anyways? 

But that was before she went to Tommy Barkley's house party on May 17, 2002.

Wait, let’s back up a little bit. Tommy Barkley was certainly something else; star quarterback of the football team, straight A student, owner of the only Porsche in the town, and a major partier. Like, MAJOR. The ragers thrown at his house were legendary, with booze and drugs practically oozing out of the walls. Lenora had heard of these parties but never bothered to go, almost entirely because she hated the popular people who went to them. Yes, she was one of those girls. But considering that night was her high school graduation, she decided to go anyways. And that's where she met Darcy Montgomery.

Well, they had seen each other in the school hallways previously, but they've never spoken. Lenora couldn't help but admire her, for she always stood up for herself and never gave up on anything. However, she didn't think that they would ever be able to associate with each other. It wasn't that Darcy was popular, because she wasn't ever since she came out as a lesbian in eighth grade, but many people just didn't like Lenora. At the end of sophomore year, it was revealed to the school that she had borderline personality disorder (diagnosed by the school counselor after Stacy’s absence) via the classic telephone method of gossip. After that, very few people actually interacted with her. Many people either feared or made fun of her; most of the school had developed her very own nickname in the form of "Loony Lenny". Gee, how nice. She didn't seem to care, at least not outwardly. She was hurt, but if you can't beat them, join them she thought. Besides, she kinda liked the ring that Lenny had.

Not many people called her Loony Lenny that night though, mostly because everyone was too busy getting fucked up to notice. Tommy had acquired a whole buffet of drugs; weed, coke, speed, and even this weird thing you inject that Lenny couldn't remember the name of. Not to mention that he also seemed to have an entire goddamn liquor store in his house. 

The music that was pumping through Tommy's oversized speakers was fucking awful, but after a dab of speed and a couple of coke lines, Lenny couldn't help but dance away. It was a never-ending sea of bodies and souls, and she loved every moment of it. The best part was the fact that she finally felt at peace. Before tonight, she had always felt like her mind was at battle with an enemy with no face. It was chaotic and messy and overall just her own personal hell, but thanks to Tommy's stash of adult candy, it was mellow and neat and her own personal heaven. The exact opposite of her old self.

"Hey, Loony," a very drunk and high Garrett Wells said after seeing Lenny. Like Tommy, Garrett was a part of the football team (linebacker, perhaps?) and was incredibly popular in the school.

Lenny adjusted her face to one that wasn't blatantly showing that she was high. "Hey, Gareth!" she said in a way too cheery voice.

Garrett didn't even notice that Lenny called him Gareth, jumping straight into a "You look really hot tonight." 

Before she knew it, she was being eaten out by Garrett Wells in a linen closet on the second floor of Tommy Barkley's house. Any other girl at school would kill to have this opportunity, but Lenny hated it. She couldn't tell if it was just because she was high or if Garrett just wasn't her type. She never particularly cared for those of the male gender, but then again, she had never been in love before.

"Stop," she said, kicking him for good measure. "I don't like this at all," she continued as she left the closet, leaving a bewildered Garrett on the knees. She didn't have any set plan on how to leave; she just walked without direction. That's what caused her to walk right into Darcy and cause a full cup of beer to spill onto her chest and her breasts.

"FUCK!" Lenny exclaimed, trying to clean up the mess she made.

"Stop, stop," Darcy replied calmly, "I can get it." She grabbed the napkins from Lenny's hand, but she quickly grabbed them back, an almost violent task. Oh fuck. The high was coming down, and rage was about to rear its ugly head yet again.

"No, I bumped into you, so I clean it up," Lenny insisted as she cleaned up the mess. This time, Darcy didn't budge. At first, it was a little awkward, but Lenny got used to it. In fact, she kind of enjoyed it. Darcy's breasts weren't massive, but she wasn't practically flat like Lenny either. They were soft and perky and made her feel different than that trainwreck Garrett in the closet. She actually felt happy.

Lenny snapped back to reality as soon as the mess was cleaned up. In fact, she snapped back right as she looked into Darcy’s eyes. They were round, large, and the softest brown she had ever seen. They were enchanting, like stars in the night sky. She wanted to say something poetic and meaningful. She wanted to tell Darcy how beautiful she was in such a way that it would rival any romance poem ever written.

“Hey Darcy, you ever fucked a girl before?”

Oh my god.

Darcy looked confused. “I'm sorry, was that a pickup line?” 

Lenny began sweating. “Well, uh, YEAH obviously, I mean,” she was starting to feel a little dizzy, “um, i don't know, haha!”

Surprisingly, Darcy laughed.

Her laugh was infectious, and soon Lenny was laughing with her. After a minute of laughing at absolutely nothing, Darcy asked, “Hey, do you wanna hang out tonight?” Lenny’s response was an excessively hyper nod that gave her a small neck ache.

Throughout the night, Lenny and Darcy went through Tommy’s house hand-in-hand. They did everything together; dance, drink, snort, smoke, everything. They ended up in one of the unoccupied bedrooms in the house, just laying on the bed.

“Remember when you asked me,” Darcy dreamily began, “if I ever fucked a girl before?”

Lenny stared at her back. “Um, yeah.”

“Well, have you?” Darcy asked.

“No,” Lenny replied.

Darcy cupped Lenny’s face into her hands and went in for a kiss. Even though they were both high and drunk, it was the best feeling Lenny had ever gotten. It was deep and slow, with Darcy trying to make Lenny experience it all at a snail’s pace. And that she did; first came the tingling in her lips, then the stomach flips, then the vagina pulsing. It grew faster and more intense, before darkness took over once again.

When Lenny woke up the next morning, she found herself naked on the same bed. The sheets were sprawled across the floor with two sets of clothes. To her left laid Darcy, fast asleep. For some reason, the image didn't sit well with Lenny. She was scared, confused, panicky. She couldn't be gay, she just couldn't be. It wasn't normal, at least it wasn't to Dad, who constantly complained about the “Queers.”

Before she knew it, Lenny had her hands on a sticky note. She scrawled out “I’m sorry. I can't do this” on it with sharpie and stuck it on the desk facing Darcy. Then she quickly changed into her clothes and almost darted out of the house.

She didn't know what Darcy’s reaction would be like, since she didn't see her again. But on her way home, Lenny felt herself getting riled up again, thinking that she made a huge mistake. She started to cry as she walked back home, feeling as if everything was out of her control. That was the day she knew that she had to do something that gave her control and happiness.  
**   
She wasn't quite sure how she was still alive. All she did anymore was scam people to getting her drugs, and actually using those drugs. She never went to college (never wanted to anyways), was not considered "mentally stable" for a good job, and just had little to no motivation to actually make her life have any meaning. If it did, all hell would break loose. In order to prevent that, Lenny remembered what it felt like that drugged up night with Darcy and Tommy and Garrett and Darcy and everyone else and...Darcy.

Darcy Montgomery.

She never forgave herself for that day. She shouldn't have pushed her away. Even through just admiring her from afar, Darcy was the epitome of everything Lenny desired; smart, beautiful, kind, selfless. She didn't know where she was now, but Lenny had absolutely no doubt that she was off doing great things. 

In the years after they went their separate ways, Lenny had stints with multiple women. She practically slept with every lesbian and every bisexual woman in the towns she visited, never being completely satisfied. She tried imagining that these women were Darcy. If she closed her eyes hard enough, she could actually sometimes see her, curls spread out like the sun’s rays on the pillow. 

Even now, she wasn't satisfied. She had convinced herself that her girlfriend of about a month, Alexa Kingsley, was the love of her life, but every time they had an affectionate moment, something didn't feel right. Alexa was a junkie like Lenny, but sometimes it felt like she was only there for free drugs. She never once said that she loved her, even when Lenny said that she did. Hell, they've never even cuddled or anything together. Whatever this thing was, it wasn't truly what she wanted.  
**  
Lenny woke up to the sight of sunlight shining directly into her eyes. She wasn't used to sleeping on her back, but she figured after last night's dosage, she just dozed off. Typical Busker move, carrying on the tradition of getting fucked up and not remembering what happened the next day. Although it happens to even the best of humanity, it happened way more often than not in her family tree.

Alexa wasn't there, though. Which was strange, considering Lenny could've sworn that they shared last night. 

"She probably just got up early," she muttered to herself. That was something Alexa would do; she has her life, anyways. She's got her shifts at the bar, as well as her dancing at night. Lenny still wasn't entirely positive how she was able to get a girl like Alexa, being the absolute nutcase druggie she was.

She got up from the bed, threw on her bra that was lying on the floor, and made her way into the kitchen. The dishes were almost overfilling the sink, so she made a mental note to clean those later. When was later? She wasn't sure, but later. She got the last bowl from the cabinet, a box of Lucky Charms, and began her breakfast routine of cereal and cartoons. However, as soon as she went to the fridge to get some milk, she saw something. A piece of paper stuck with a singular piece of duct tape on the fridge. It was in Alexa's handwriting.

My baby Lenora,  
From the moment I met you, i knew you were going to be one of the best things in my life, even if at the time you were coked up and making out with everyone you saw. I think that, despite the drugs, you did too. That might explain why we were so in love, up until recently.

I can't stand to see you like this. I've had to save you from potential overdoses twice this month. I've had to put up with your withdrawal symptoms every fucking time you try to quit coldly. You know it doesn't work, yet you still try to do it! Why? I've given you all the tools I can possibly give you to help you get your life back on track like you always whine and cry about. But every time I try to take you to rehab or counseling or whatever, you chicken out like a bitch. And that's exactly what you are: a manipulative, self-centered bitch.

Well guess what? I'm done. I'm sorry, Lenny, but you are doing this all to yourself. This is all your fault for not getting the help you've been given. You have done absolutely nothing to achieve this "better life" you talk about. You have two choices: go to the place my sister Jennifer works, or die alone and pathetic. I've given the number of the mental hospital she's a nurse at. They have a program that deals with drug addicts.

But honestly? I might rather see you dead then go through something you'll just take for granted anyways.

-Alexa

The ant that began to crawl onto her Lucky Charms started nibbling on a marshmellow as Lenny grabbed her phone and dialed the number as fast as she's ever dialed before.  
**  
God, do loony bins smell.

That was the only thing that went through her head as she arrived at the place Alexa "recommended". Lenny's never been in something like this before. She was able to calm herself for the past fifteen years. In fact, the only reason why she didn't even quit that (completely, totally effective) method of self-medication was because she wanted to see Dar- wait no Alexa again. She was her everything, even if the feeling wasn't reciprocated at the moment.

What mattered in the moment, however, was the fact that she now had some dude's Twizzlers down her shirt after he bumped into her. Hey, it may have hurt a little, but at least she had some candy.

"Fuck!" the dude exclaimed. He seemed more concerned about the fact that his bag of Twizzlers was on the floor rather than the fact that he bumped into someone.

"Yeah, fuck is right, bro. You could've killed me and wouldn't even notice!" Lenny replied sarcastically. At this point, she had taken the two pieces of licorice that went down her sports bra and began eating both of them at the same time. Who could tell her no? Isn't she, what the kids call, 'insane?'

The dude looked up. Lenny didn't find him attractive, but there was just something about him that stuck out to her. Given the environment, it was obvious that he was just as crazy or probably more so than she. It took a little bit, but she finally understood why she felt so compelled towards him: he looked like a serial killer.

"I, uh, have never been told that before," he said as soon as Lenny said that to him, "but I'm guessing you're into that, so thanks?"

She sighed. "Of course not, asshole. I was just following the rules of this place! You know," she straightened her back in an attempt to look professional, "talk the truth and only the truth."

"Well, there are a lot more rules than that," the man said with a light chuckle.

"Oh you've been here before?" Lenny asked. Perhaps if she befriended this guy, she would learn more about how to not strangle everyone here with a bathrobe towel tightener.

"A few times. I've been to about," he contemplated this, "I don't know, four different ones?"

At this, Lenny was taken back. "Four? You must really be wacked out then." They both laughed.

"You could say that," he replied.

The clock suddenly turned to five. Lenny's first therapy session.

"Well, i gotta go see the shrink. What's your name?" she asked.

"David," he replied. "Yours?"

"Lenny," she said.

They said their dues and went off. The only thing running through Lenny's head was the fact that she may have met someone who didn't judge her for being her, and that was refreshing.  
**  
"Hey, Lenny!"

She woke up with a jump. David was crouching right in front of her, hand raised as if he was snapping. She felt her neck ache like a motherfucker before realizing that she was in a wheelchair. Damn, those narcotics are fucking strong in this place.

"What is it?" she asked groggily.

"Intercom just went off," David started, "you have a visitor."

Wait, a visitor? How the hell could she have a visitor? She could've sworn that she was banned from visitation after almost taking out Alexa’s eye with a pen. In her defense though, Alexa had painfully decided that, even though Lenny reached out for help, she was still pathetic and lectured her for three minutes on how exactly pathetic she was. As if she was any better. In fact, that was the exact incident where she was upgraded from orange and yellow to orange and red. Hey, at least red complimented her more.

Three guards escorted her to the visitation center, which was occupied currently by five other patients and their guests. She wasn't exactly sure what was going on, until she heard “Hey, Loony!”

Holy fuck, was that-

“Darcy?” Lenny asked. She tried her best to look as calm as possible. “How did you-”

“I was at the class reunion last Friday and someone mentioned you being here,” Darcy replied. God, she was even prettier now than in high school. Her dark brown skin was glowing and she had braids that rested right on her shoulders. She was wearing a fancy top and slacks, looking like she belonged more in a courtroom than a mental institution.

They both sat down facing each other. “So, what have you been up to?” Lenny asked.

“Well, I am currently a pediatrician at one of the biggest hospitals in the state, I adopted a foster child named Rachel, and I recently got divorced,” Darcy said unemotionally. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Darcy,” Lenny replied.

Darcy waved her off. “No, no! It's not a big deal at all!” she replied, “I tried to convince myself that I would be happy with a man, but I just couldn't.”

That revelation shook Lenny harder than intended. Darcy Montgomery, who stood up to racists and homophobes every day, suddenly forcing herself to be happy with a man? She couldn't believe it.

“Wow, I could never imagine you with a man,” Lenny said.

“Well, I had to. My mom was expecting me to marry a man, so I just had to go with the flow. I had a revelation that I needed to put myself and my happiness first and foremost!” Darcy answered.

They sat in awkward silence for a few seconds before Darcy said, “That’s actually another reason why I’m here, Lenora.”

Lenny looked right into her eyes, just like that night at Tommy’s. “What,” she replied with an increasingly shaky voice, “did you call me?”

Darcy smiled. “Your name. I wanted to let you know that I have not stopped thinking about that night after graduation, when you asked me if I ever fucked a girl.” Both of them started chuckling at the memory.

“God, was that a terrible thing to say,” replied Lenny. 

“I would've done the exact same thing,” Darcy said, “and I wanted to let you know that I don’t have any grudge against you. Not anymore, at least.”

At this, Lenny’s eyes began to water. Fuck, why were they watering? This shouldn't be that big of a deal to most, but to her, it was. It meant the world for somebody who had close to nothing left.

“Well,” Lenny began, “I’m supposed to get out in three weeks!”

“Four, actually,” said one of the guards.

“Excuse me, Mister I Gotta Stick My Fat Ass Head In Everyone Else’s Business, but we weren’t fucking speaking to you,” Lenny said.

“Lenny! It’s okay!” Darcy said, grabbing Lenny’s arm before she went over and did some potential damage. When she got Lenny to focus on her again, she said, “Well, do you wanna meet up when you get out?”

Lenny smiled. “Of course!”

“Time’s up!” a shrill female voice said to Darcy. As they were escorted out, Lenny yelled, “I love you, Darcy Montgomery! I never stopped!” She could make out Darcy’s silhouette waving a kiss goodbye as she walked out into the lobby.

It was the most at peace Lenny had ever felt in her life. She saw David walking towards the visitation center with two guards behind him. Oh shit, it was his birthday, or something.

Oh well. Lenny was too happy to figure something out to make him.  
**  
This wasn't her. This isn't her. This can't be her.

Those were the only things flashing through Lenny's mind as she was forced to watch what this thing was doing to her. He, she, it, whatever this thing was saved her from death, but at what cost? Total manipulation? 

Lenny wasn't even sure what this Shadow King thing was doing with her.

She's witnessed more horror than she could ever imagine. A massacre in a strange facility. A demented mockup of Clockworks. A man she never saw before being twisted and folded to death. The full-on possession and inner torture of another innocent man. And it was all her. Or, at least, this demon pretending to be her.

She's cried. She's screamed. She's tried to get out of this box she's found herself in. She can't escape. She can't signal for help. She's completely, and totally, fucked.

Lenny remembered what Darcy last told her. She tried to picture her face again, her long hair, her dark soft skin, her thick eyebrows. Hell, even the mole she had on the left side of her neck. Just anything to prove she was capable of her own thoughts and emotions, but she couldn't. The King was draining all the energy out of her. As Lenny laid in the box, she mustered enough energy and willpower to form one singular thought.

It's going to get better.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the fic. The Sylvia Plath poem cited is called "Sonnet to Satan"
> 
> tumblr: papajohnsmisty


End file.
